A Baby, a Fibroid and Letting Go of it All
“In the end, these things matter most: How well did you love? How fully did you live? How deeply did you let go?” – Gautama Buddha
At the beginning of 2016, I noticed one of my uterus Fibroids getting bigger and bigger… It didn’t give me any pain, but it was very uncomfortable… I’ve known that I have the fibroid for the 5 years and it had been ok… until this year.
I have been modifying my yoga asana practices through the years to accommodate the big fibroid in my tummy. But as it kept growing bigger it got to the point where I couldn’t even lie down on belly. I looked like I was 6 months pregnant, which was so ironic because during these last 5 years, I had been trying and struggling to fall pregnant with no “success”.
During these years, there were many tears, frustrations, anger, jealousy, stress and many more emotional roller coasters. I tried everything I could from a natural point of view; Yoga, Acupuncture, Ayurveda, Meditation. All of these helped me a lot on the path and yet, didn’t supply the desired result of falling pregnant OR getting rid of the Fibroid.
At some point, I couldn’t even be happy for someone who had fallen pregnant. And this in itself was hard; Why can’t I be happy for others? What is wrong with me?
I remember a few years ago, as I was attending Idit’s workshop, A workshop around Heart opening and forgiveness, she looked me in the eyes and told me“It sounds like you are blaming yourself. Don’t blame yourself. You are doing everything you can.” (She knew what I was going through at that time). I burst into a flood of tears because that’s exactly what I was doing to myself. I thought it was my fault. That I still wasn’t doing enough. That I still was doing things wrong. But truth is – no one knows why I was / am not falling pregnant and why the Fibroid was growing bigger.
I knew deep inside that desperation wasn’t a good idea, but I didn’t know how to let go of the attachment. And I blamed myself for this as well; for not being able to let go, on top of not being able to get pregnant. During 2016, As my fibroid decided to grow bigger (much bigger!), I simultaneously started the Advanced Yoga Teacher Training at Sukha Mukha Yoga.
The training was inspiring in many levels, but personally supported me with my personal journey and struggles, as we shared with one another what each of us was going through in life. That helped me tremendously to look at what was happening to me with a more accepting attitude and a much broader lens. Perhaps that’s what also opened up my mind and heart to signs I previously ignored;
I was asked by a few people if I was pregnant – a question that used to upset me as I was hoping so much to fall pregnant and that wasn’t happening – but for some reason I suddenly wasn’t upset by the question – which was a huge sign that something inside me is ready to let go, and it made me think it might be time to do something about it!!
An acupuncturist suggested a surgery for the removal of the Fibroid – A procedure I have refused to even consider for years, but this time around I was truly open to it. Suddenly it didn’t sound like such a bad and crazy idea. There were lots more situations and examples that allowed me to see that something within me shifted. From the moment I decided to take the big fibroid out, things went so smoothly and effortlessly. Which was reassuring to me that I made the right choice.
Then I realised that I was searching for the answers outside myself (seeing acupuncturist, naturopath, massage, fertility specialist, etc) and that it’s time to look inside myself. So I droped it all and went to the first 10-day silent meditation retreat (more of a mental boot camp!) That was the beginning of the subtle shifts in my perception. The shift in the way I was approaching it all.
I started to notice the shifts in my attachments; I still wanted to have babies, but I was able to watch the thoughts objectively thanks to the practices and tools I gained through yoga and meditation. Then the shifts made me think I’ll still do everything I can, but not expect the outcome. Of course there were still some disappointments when I found out I was not pregnant, but the degree of the attachment was becoming less and less from time to time.
A big chunk of attachment was released last year when I traveled to California for a holiday. It suddenly made me realize that there are so many places and things to see in the world and that while we don’t have a baby we can do more of this. I saw things in a different perspective. The reality was the same. But my observation and interpretation of it changed.
The last chunk of the remaining attachment went out of me with the fibroid. I began to recognize that the big fibroid was the manifestation of what I desperately wanted. I took the surgery as a kind of ritual of letting go of it all. Interestingly, the operation went well but I lost quite a lot of blood, the doctors had to do two blood transfusions. I could see the drain bag attached to me still filling up my blood and I saw it as the last residue of my attachment was being released.
I honestly feel and believe that I could think and feel this way thanks to the experience at the Advanced Teacher Training and my Yoga and Meditation practices, which allowed me to feel supported and nurtured with whatever decision I made.
So yes, it has been quite a journey for the past few years. I would say that going through this is actually the toughest thing I experienced in my life so far.
But I’m now grateful I experienced that.
It taught me so much; be grateful of what I have, be compassionate to those who are going through hard times, letting go of attachments and expectations (not just theoretically…) , and so much more. Yoga and meditation practices have been the huge saver of my life and they will always be.
Reiku Morello took her first Yoga teacher training at Samadhi (Sukha Mukha Yoga) 6 years ago She has been teaching at Sukha Mukha Yoga from the day it opened. She offers Yin and Aromatherapy workshops and specializes in Yoga in Japanese language. The silent meditation retreat she took is Vipassana in Blackheath, NSW. She has been practicing vipassana meditation since 2014. She completed the advanced teacher training this year 2016 at Sukha Mukha Yoga.
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